Itty Bitty Transmetropolitan - R. A. Wonsowski

Turn the Page will continue after the following public service announcement...

Panel 1 - the stage of a strip joint. A buxom, yet leggy topless dancer cavorting around the stripper pole in front of a red velvet curtain, a vacant look in her eyes, her nipples covered with pasties that look like UPC barcodes, wearing a Santa hat and a g-string decorated in jingle bells.  The disco lights barely cutting through the cigarette smoke, patrons and drinks are scattered and demolished like a war zone.

SPIDER (off panel, from behind curtain): Merry Christmas, sinners. Where parents buy blinky idiot screens for their kids so they can play with their new blinky idiot screens...

Panel 2- same as above, however ITTY BITTY SPIDER JERUSALEM has emerged from behind the curtain, walking between the stripper's legs with a cigarette between his teeth, scratching a match alight on the inner thigh of the dancer. He is speaking up at her breasts.

SPIDER: I myself never had blinky idiot screens growing up. Hang on...

SPIDER: WHERE ARE YOUR LUNCH TAPS?!?

Panel 3- SPIDER, now past the tables in the background, walks past a BOUNCER that looks like a steroid-filled Hagar the Horrible in a black suit and shades. He even has the horned helmet on. He stares blankly ahead as SPIDER jumps up and high-fives the BOUNCER and lights his smoke at the same time.

SPIDER: No, as I linger in my childhood olfactory memory of scrotal sweat and talc, I'm thankful for the greatest gift my parents ever gave me.

SPIDER: They bloody talked to me.

Panel 4- from outside Bazoom's Cabaret, ITTY BITTY SPIDER JERUSALEM looks over his live shades at us, cig in his teeth again and pointing at us accusingly.

SPIDER: Any shit-heel with unrestrained naughty bits can breed spawn.

SPIDER: Turn off your blinking screen and go hug your kid before you can't.

Little Nemo in Transmetropolitan - R.A. Wonsowski

Panel 1- LITTLE NEMO is shocked and cornered in bed by SPIDER JERUSALEM, grinning like a Cheshire cat with a cigarette between his teeth.

NEMO: Wh-wh-who are YOU?
SPIDER: Why, I'm your Uncle Spidey. I have all sorts of sights to see.

Panel 2- long shot of a Gothic hospital, a rainbow aura surrounding it against a grey sky. An ambulance is in front of a door, two orderlies escorting a straightjacketed figure inside. NEMO and SPIDER walk up the drive hand in hand to it in conversation.

NEMO: What is this place?
SPIDER: Welcome to the Hillary Clinton Hospital for the Politically Insane. Let's take the nickel tour...

Panel 3- In a rec room filled with drooling catatonics, a buxom blond showing a lot of leg and stretching a Fox News t-shirt to the breaking point is strapped to a wheelchair, getting an injection from an elephant in a nurse's uniform. A man in a suit clutching a CNN mike is strapped to a gurney getting tied off for his injection from a donkey also dressed as a nurse. Both reporters have expressions of orgiastic euphoria plastered on their faces. NEMO and SPIDER can be seen walking by in an open doorway.

NEMO: Are they getting medicine?
SPIDER: No, silly boy! They're getting the disease, which they will spread through the magic of televised punditry.

Panel 4- a Rube Goldberg designed bathroom. A corporate businessman sits on a toilet, pants around his ankles and reading the New York Times, with an oversized tank behind him with MONSANTO stencilled on it. The coiling pipe from the bowl leads to an outhouse that looks like the Capitol building. NEMO and SPIDER peek over from another stall to spy. A mouse in the corner holds a small placard.

(from inside outhouse): YAY!!
NEMO: B...but why?
SPIDER: So that they, in turn, can shit all over us! It's how you get all those fancy schoolbooks, and yet learn absolutely nothing!
MOUSE PLACARD: Know your school board!

Panel 5- what looks like a cheap hotel room. Lady Liberty and some fat guy are getting it on under the bedsheets. Liberty looks bored and lights a cigarette as the fat guy finishes. SPIDER covers NEMO's eyes as they walk by.

SPIDER: Nothing to see here except a lazy metaphor!
NEMO: You said there'd be pie!

Panel 6- NEMO has fallen out of bed. He sits on the floor, visibly shaken, hair mussed, trying to light a cigarette.

(from outside the bedroom): What's going on in there?!
NEMO: IT'S YOUR FAULT!

Inset panel lower right corner of page. WINDSOR MCCAY glares at WARREN ELLIS, who takes a pull from a hip flask.

MCCAY: You're a sick man.
ELLIS: You started it.

Rainbow Dash - All the Bronies in the House - R.A.Wonsowski

Layout:
1122
3344
5566
7788

Panel 1 - Night, my kitchen.  ME, staring blankly into the screen of my laptop.  I have a blank, worried look on my face, my fingers poised above the keyboard.

NO COPY


Panel 2 - Same as above, but RAINBOW DASH is now peering over my shoulder at my computer screen.  One of her eyebrows is arched in curiosity.

NO COPY


Panel 3 - Same P.O.V., but RAINBOW DASH is mildly annoyed at ME.

RAINBOW DASH:  Are you kidding me?  You can't think of ANYTHING?!?

ME:  You're not helping.


Panel 4 - Same as above, except RAINBOW DASH is smacking ME up the backside of my head in disgust.  I cringe.

SoundFX:  Thwak!

ME:  Hey!

RAINBOW DASH:  I swear to Applejack, this has been happening to you wa-ay too often lately...


Panel 5 - Same as Panel 3.  A 9-inch tall, chain-smoking TRUTH-SAYING BASTARD SPIDEY walks across the kitchen table to talk to ME and RAINBOW DASH.

TSBS:  Remember Pokemon week?  How many times have we done the bowel-disruptor gag now?

RAINBOW DASH:  (pointing at TSBS) He gets a bowel-disruptor?  Where's MY bowel-disruptor?!?


Panel 6 - Same as above, but my head is in my hands as a tiny KRYPTO floats around my head.  RAINBOW DASH looks even angrier at ME,.

KRYPTO:  He cribbed my script from an old Peanuts strip last week...

RAINBOW DASH:  You cribbed the Schulz?!?


Panel 7 - Same as above, but I'm dragging my fingers down my face, pulling down the bags under my eyes in exasperation.  A 12-inch tall SAMMY HAGAR THOR (see comments at http://www.thought-balloons.com/2012/04/why-mjolnir.html ), lightning crackling from his guitar, lands on the kitchen table.

SAMMY HAGAR THOR:  You haven't even brought me up in a year.  I got better things to do than wait on your silly @$$.

ME:  Oh for the luvva...


Panel 8 - DR. DINOSAUR and DEADPOOL, who is pointing at RAINBOW DASH happily surprised, walk in as I get up and walk out.  Everyone is talking after me as I go.

DR. DINOSAUR:  We can help you.

ME:  I'm out...

DEADPOOL:  Hey, it's Rainbow Dash!  I'm your biggest Brony!

RAINBOW DASH:  (calling worriedly after me over her shoulder) RA-A-Y!?!

Pokemon - The Fiend Strikes Again - R.A. Wonsowski

5 wide panels, one on top of the other.

Panel 1 - It's a beautiful day in the forest.  The sky is blue, the pine trees are lush, the grass seems freshly mowed, even though there isn't a John Deere in sight, the sun is a yellow ball, and here comes PIKACHU, lightning shooting out of its...hindquarters (?), zipping left to right with an agonizing expression on its face.

PIKACHU:  ...kapikapikapikapikapikaaa...


Panel 2 - Same background, but here comes ASH KETCHUM, following the lightning streak, grasping his stomach with both arms clutched to it, his face a cross of pain and panic and tinted green. 

ASH:  ...ooh...


Panel 3 - Same background, and along comes Team Rocket partners JESSIE and JAMES, following ASH.  JESSIE is running frantically, her hands clutching her backside desperately.  JAMES is running in the same cartoonish style, but the back of his pants is starting to lump as he panics.

JAMES:  ...oh, sweet mother of...


Panel 4 - Background scenery only.

NO COPY


Panel 5 - Same background.  Along comes TRUTH-SAYING BASTARD SPIDEY (see http://www.thought-balloons.com/2012/09/the-rarebit-fiend-next-weeks-preview.html ), walking after our cast as if enjoying the lovely day, pumping his shotgun-shaped "Ronco Bowel Disrupter" (it says so on the barrel, and is set to PROLAPSE), smiling at us, cigarette in his teeth.

TSBS:  ...gotta catch'em all...

Spider Jerusalem - Over 9,000,000,000 Served And Counting - Niel Jacoby

1122
3344
5555

Panel 1: A TV screen(64:27 aspect ratio, this is the future, man.) shows Mitt Romney, no older-looking than he is now, in front of an american flag, the bottom of the screen at waist height. He's stock-still, his hands at his sides, his eyes soulless and hollow and his face in a sort of heartless smirk. His speech bubble should be square and the text should be in a sort of digital font.

Romney: HELLO, MY FELLOW AMERICANS. I AM MITT ROMNEY, WHO YOU MIGHT KNOW AS AMERICA'S FIRST ANDROID VICE-PRESIDENT.

Panel 2: Romney has raised his arm, gesturing at the camera, but none of his body language has changed.

Romney: THROUGHOUT MY MANY, MANY YEARS, I HAVE BEEN AT THE FOREFRONT OF THE CORPORATE RIGHTS MOVEMENT, ASSURING THAT THE MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS OF THE WORLD ARE ASSURED ALL THE RIGHTS OF YOU LIVING HUMANS, AND IN MANY CASES MORE.

Panel 3: Both his arms are up now, and his eyebrows are raised, to give the impression of genuine emotion.

Romney: IT IS MY GREAT HONOR TO ENDORSE AMERICA'S FIRST CORPORATE-AMERICAN RUNNING CANDIDATE, NEWS CORP. NEWS CORP. IS A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU, IT KNOWS WHAT IS TRULY BEST FOR AMERICA, AND IT HAS THE COURAGE AND LACK OF CONSCIENCE, ETHICS, OR HUMAN EMPATHY TO MAKE SURE IT GETS DONE.

Panel 4: A full screen of the News Corp. For President campaign logo.

NEWS CORP.

LEADING THE WAY FOR PROSPEROUS AMERICANS

 

Panel 5: Spider is slack-jawed in astonishment, sitting in front of a portable TV in the garden of the country home he retired to at the end of the series. He's regrown some of his hair, but it's not quite back to issue 1 length. A phone is to his ear.

 

Spider: ...CHANNON?

 

Spider: CALL UP YELENA, THERE'S A STORY WE CAN'T MISS. 



Spider Jerusalem - The Shakespeare of Profanity - J.D. Coughlan

(Better late than never.)

Panel 1: Wide panel of a stage. There is a large crowd before it, and a speaker at the podium. Spider sits to the side of the podium, somewhat older now (around his early 60s) with his arms folded, looking generally unimpressed.

A banner above the stage says "THE CONNOLLY AWARDS FOR ACHIEVEMENTS IN PROFANITY".

SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, it is a privilege to grant a lifetime achievement award to a man who deployed curse words like strategic missiles in the field of journalism, never one to shy away from a colourful metaphor to decorate his articles...

Panel 2: Close on Spider now, a better look at his disinterest.

SPEAKER (O.P.): A man who once described a peace rally as being "clusterfucked balls-deep by a shitstorm of fascist bastards-of-bitches."

SFX (AUDIENCE, O.P.): (small, indicate it is polite applause) klapklapklapklap

Panel 3: Close on the Speaker. He holds up his hand for silence. He is grinning in anticipation of what is sure to be a great speech from this master of language.

SPEAKER: Truly, his work speaks for itself.

SPEAKER: Without further ado, I shall hand you over to the man himself... Spider Jerusalem!

Panel 4: Spider takes the podium, still looking grim.

SFX (AUDIENCE, O.P.): KLAPKLAPKLAPKLAP

Panel 5: Same as 4, Spider now standing more centrally behind the podium same expression.

NO TEXT

Panel 6: Spider leans towards the microphone. Same expression.

SPIDER: Thanks.

Panel 7: Spider walking off-panel.

NO TEXT

END OF PAGE

Spider Jerusalem –Dirty Hands - Shaun Richens.

Page One.

8 PANELS.

PANEL LAYOUT.

111

234

567 – These panels can be really small.

888

1.Establishing shot. We stand outside off a ranch. A big open archway is the centre of the panel with the sign – Freedom Ranch – arched across the top. It’s a hot day and the sun beats down. The ranch is a huge building in the distance with a simple fence running around it, the fence offers little protection but the Ranch itself looks deceptively well fortified. Stood with his back to us just outside the archway is SPIDER JERUSALEM. Four figures can be seen walking towards him from the Ranch.

         CAPTION: SPIDER:

This was the worst month of my life.

CAPTION: SPIDER:

Before I had the awful fortune to know the name Gary Callahan that is.

2. We pull in looking over SPIDER’s shoulder at the group of four people approaching him. The three who trail behind are skinny guys dressed in jeans and plaid shirts, they are all sweating and covered in dirty. The man at the head of the group is HANDSOME HARRY, although he is far from it. Bald and over weight, Harry is topless his belly hangs over his ripped jeans and his chest hair is covered in sweat. His face is wrinkled and he has a huge moustache.

         HANDSOME HARRY:

         Welcome to my little slice of heaven Mr. Jerusalem.

         CAPTION: SPIDER:

         I hated the prick already and he hadn’t even tried 

         to kill me yet.

3. Close up on SPIDER he is breathing deep on his cigarette, smoke filling the air around him.

         SPIDER:

My publisher was keen for me to see the place after your unexpected invite.

SPIDER 2:

First journalist ever allowed inside the ranch. What did I do to earn that honour?

4. Cut back to HANDSOME HARRY and his group. Harry wears a huge smug smile on his face.

         HANDSOME HARRY:

Oh come on up to the Ranch, Handsome Harry will explain it all to you in good time.

CAPTION: SPIDER:

He referred to himself in third person; I should have known he was an evil pompous cretin from that point on. I was younger and dumber back then I guess.

5. HANDSOME HARRY reaches out his hand to shake SPIDER’s.

        

         NO COPY.

6. SPIDER and HANDSOME HARRY shake hands.

         NO COPY.

7. HANDSOME HARRY rubs hand-sanitizing lotion into his hands.

         NO COPY.        

8. SPIDER walks under the archway with HANDSOME HARRY the three guys with him before arte closing the gates of the ranch behind him.

         CAPTION: SPIDER:

The hand sanitizer, that should have set my fucking nerves off. No man who apparently owns a ranch uses goddamn hand sanitizer. It was a Politician’s move.

CAPTION: SPIDER:

I guess I should have thanked Harry for the shit he was about to pull. He made me wise to guys like him and Gary Callahan.

CAPTION: SPIDER:

To late now I guess. Harry’s dead.

Spider Jerusalem – Peace & Quiet - MK Stangeland Jr.

Spider Jerusalem – Peace & Quiet - MK Stangeland Jr.

(This script takes place after the conclusion of TRANSMETROPOLITAN.)

(4 Panels)

Panel 1: SPIDER JERUSALEM (SPIDER) sits at his mountain retreat in a zen position without his shirt on.

SPIDER (1): (Thought balloon) Peace & Quiet

SPIDER (2): (Thought balloon) Free of the world, no obligations to anyone.

Panel 2: Repeat of Panel 1, but with an annoyed look on SPIDER’s face.

SPIDER: (Thought balloon) Then I realize how boring it all is.

Panel 3: Repeat of Panel 1.

NINJA (1): (From Off-Panel) GUAAAAAAAHHHH!

NINJA (2): (From Off-Panel) Blughhhh…

Panel 4: Repeat of Panel 3, but with a sinister grin on SPIDER’s face.

SPIDER (1): (Thought balloon) But then the ninjas try to get me.

SPIDER (2): (Thought balloon) And discover my bowel disruption fence.

END PAGE

Spider Jerusalem -Eternal Chase -Dan Hill

Confession time: I've never read a page of Trasnmet in my life. As such, this week probably won't be my strongest entry. Also, I think last weeks pick is still in my system.

Page One

8.1
We OPEN on SPIDER as he pushes his way through pedestrians on a crowded sidewalk somewhere in the city. He's wearing his trademark black jacket, trousers and boots. We’re slightly behind him, looking over his shoulder as he sees a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in the crowd. She looks towards Spider with a mischievous smile.

She wears the exact same clothes as him (there’s nothing to suggest she has any other clothes on under that black jacket) minus the glasses. In fact she seems to have a blindfold over her eyes made from black cloth.

NO COPY

8.2
Spider pushes his way through the crowd, nearing the woman, his hand outstretched towards her.

NO COPY

8.3
TIGHT on the woman as she turns and runs away from Spider, pushing her way through the crowd.

NO COPY

8.4
WIDE PANEL: a PROFILE view on Spider as he chases the woman as she continues to flee. The landscape has inexplicably changed too. We’re now in a rundown barrio somewhere in South America, possibly Brazil.

Onlookers turn their heads at the bizarre chase going on before their eyes.

NO COPY

8.5
WIDE PANEL: FIXED VIEWPOINT. Spider continues to chase the woman, that little bit closer to her now. The background has changed to the snow covered streets of Moscow.

NO COPY

8.6
WIDE PANEL: FIXED VIEWPOINT. Spider is mere inches from the woman now, the background now nothing but a white void of nothingness.

NO COPY

8.7
Inset panel on the right side of 8.6. CLOSE UP on Spider’s hand as he reached to grab the arm of the woman, mere inches separating them.

NO COPY

8.8
WIDE PANEL: CUT TO Spider sitting up in bed, his modesty covered by a twisted mound of bedsheets. A woman lies next to him in the bed face down. Drug paraphernalia litters the room and the bedside table.

SPIDER

...Fuck!

Spider Jerusalem - Nature's Call - Grant McLaughlin

I've been speed-reading my way through Transmetropolitan (can't put it down), but I haven't read it all (yet). So I don't have a specific point in continuity in mind here (although probably somewhere in the early days, I guess).

Three rows of panels.  Row one is a single panel, spanning the page.  Row two is made up of 3 panels.  Row three is made up of the final 2 panels.

1 - The balcony of Spider's apartment.  Spider is naked.  He sits cross-legged, his eyes closed as if in meditation.  His computer is in front of him.  He is surrounded by a wackload of animals from the city.  A lot of four-winged or mutli-eyed pigeons, some large rats, rats with wings, raccoons, skunks, raccoon-skunks (or rakunks for short).  Anything you can think of that would be appropriate should be here.  Have one of the pigeons perched on Spider's head.  Think a perverted Snow White communing with nature type deal.

CHANNON (off-panel): The hell is this?

2 - Spider continues to sit, opening one eye to look at Channon, who has walked onto the scene.  The animals continue to mill about.  The head-perching pigeon has jumped off from the movement of Spider's head.

SPIDER: If I cannot return to my mountain hideaway, I will bring my mountain hideaway to me!

CHANNON: Your mountain hideaway looks an awful lot like a flock of filthy, disease-ridden rats with wings.

3 - Spider is standing, his arms spread wide above his head to emphasize his words.  Channon is not terribly intimidated (but when is she ever?).  Some of the animals are a little disturbed by his outburst, but no major movement is afoot.

SPIDER: Silence!  This is nature!  I will not have you speak ill of nature!

SPIDER: It is easy to forget here in this city of sex, drugs, and sexdrugs that life does not have to be this way.

4 - Spider turns to look off the balcony, out at the city.  Channon looks at something behind Spider that is unseen by the reader, a look of disgust on her face.

SPIDER (1): There is an alternative.  A simpler path where we can live in harmony with the world around us instead of shitting all over it before we drop our pants to shit on it again.

SPIDER (2): Maybe you've forgotten, but I will not!

CHANNON: That's all well and good, but your "simpler path" seems to be shitting all over your computer.

5 - Spider looks back over his shoulder at the animals, glaring.  Channon looks on in mild amusement.

NO COPY.

6 - Spider walks back inside, casually throwing a grenade over his shoulder towards all the animals.  Channon moves to keep up / keep out of the blast radius.

SPIDER: Nevermind.  Nature can go fuck itself.

Spider Jerusalem - Never Mind the Bollocks - Ben Rosenthal

1.  An alleyway in The City at night.  A man in a suit is being kicked in the testicles by Spider, who is dressed in his usual garb.  To the side of the man is a young girl, no more than 12.  She has clearly been forced into child prostitution, and this man in the suit has just hired her.

2.  Spider is kicking the man in the testicles again.  This time harder.

3.  Same as Panel 2, but Spider is kicking harder.

4.  Same as Panel 2, but spider is kicking even harder still.

5.  Spider is walking away, fuming with anger.  He knows that if he doesn't leave now, he will kill this man.  The young girl is fleeing in the opposite direction down the alley. The Man in the suit is doubled over in the alley, face in a liquid that may be urine.  He clutches semi unconscious at his testicle region.

SPIDER

Fucking fucktard.

Spider Jerusalem - Filth - Ray Wonsowski

All captions are in Courier typewriter font.

Layout:
123
456
 78

CAPTION across the very top of the page:  There have been valid arguments on both sides regarding the Barack Obama Welfare Tenament Project.

Panel 1 - SPIDER JERUSALEM, his back to us, outside the tenament house.  It is dilapidated, crumbling, and abused.  Walls are cracking, windows are broken or boarded up, graffiti is epidemic, and some of the window bars have been pried back and bent.

CAPTION:  Construction was farmed out to the cheapest bidder.  Cement was diluted with dirt, and safety minimums for both electrical and plumbing were barely observed.  Bribes to zoning officials were paid dutifully.

Panel 2 - Filthy assistant YELENA ROSSINI, background, stands in the doorway (the door was torn off) looking at, foreground an exhausted mother surrounded by hyperactive, half-dressed children.  She is in her 40's, haggard, slightly overweight, in baggy clothes that are sliding off her shoulder, exposing a nicotine-color bra strap, and she leans on her broom, cigarette drooping from her lower lip.

CAPTION:  National average, children per family: 2.  Average, children per tenament family: 5.  Most of the children miss at least one meal daily, yet most parents are still able to scrape up a few coins for smokes and booze.

Panel 3 - Same apartment different pov.  From over YELENA's shoulder, we see the above scene foreground.  Background we see the woman's fat unshaven husband in a torn-up recliner drinking beer from a bottle, looking lecherously at his skinny blonde teenage daughter (about 15yrs), sitting on the window sill, dangling her feet.

CAPTION:  Jim Burton has not found work in over a year.  He has no intention of looking.  He resents his nagging wife's autumn of 43, and does not bother to hide his desire for spring again.

Panel 4 - Our other filthy, CHANNON YARROW, is in the basement listening with concern to  the maintenance man.  A rusty boiler is sputtering in the corner.  The super is dirty, sweaty, and frustrated talking with her.  They both wear hip-high rubber boots, because they are standing knee-deep in dirty water.  One low-wattage lightbulb hangs from the ceiling to light the scene.

CAPTION:  The building was built connected to the old sewer lines.  Toilets overflow regularly, and the offal backs up at least twice a week.  It's worse when it rains. 

CAPTION:  The super calls the Project's management on a daily basis.  Middling executives in charge are either "at lunch with investors" or on holiday.

Panel 5 - SPIDER looks down a burnt out stairwell.  On one stair, a 10-year-old kid huffs on a paper bag.  His older brother, half his head shaved, draws a dirty graffiti picture with a fat black marker on the wall.  On the next landing, two teenagers shag standing up, skirt hiked about the girl's waist, boys pants around his feet.

CAPTION:  The few reponsible adults with gainful employment have to leave for work before the kids are supposed to go to school.  They come home too late at night to realize that they never went in the first place.  One boy told me, "What's the point?"

Panel 6 - SPIDER sitting civilly in an executive office across the desk of a well-dressed property broker.  The room is airy, and the windows in the office are floor-to-ceiling, giving a view of the city.

CAPTION:  I hear the boy's question repeated when I ask the Project Associates about upkeep.  "What's the point?  So the little buggers can trash it again?  Screw'em."

CAPTION:  Welfare policy, poverty eradication.  Property rights, opportunity costs.  Ever the political animals, government politicos must weigh in.

Panel 7 - Background, the entire city block where the Welfare Tenament stands burns as a raging inferno.  Foreground, with their backs facing us, are (L to R) CHANNON, SPIDER, and YELENA.  They are watching it all burn.  A military helicopter is recognizable in the orange smoky sky.

CAPTION:  The government couldn't stand to see all that stockpiled napalm go to waste, so the National Guard was mobilized to "supervise the demolition of the Barack Obama Welfare Tenament Project."

Panel 8 - Seen through the scope-sights of a helicopter gunner (that electric green color wash) close up the faces of (L to R) YELENA, SPIDER, and CHANNON.  YELENA is pointing at whoever is looking through the scope, shouting with rage.  CHANNON has a bowel disrupter like a bazooka ready to fire on her shoulder; it even says "RONCO MILITARY-GRADE BOWEL DISRUPTOR" on it.  SPIDER, cigarette clenched in his teeth, looks up at us over his live shades, grinning toothily, smugly, slightly evilly.

CAPTION:  Whether you have or have not, this is how the elected Scum take care of you.  Because you refuse to take care of your own f##king selves.

==30==

Why Spider Jerusalem?

Because JOURNALISM!

Because my introduction to TRANSMETROPOLITAN is completely the fault of Rich and Ethan at Comic Fortress in Somerville NJ (Thanx, guys - proof that the difference between local comic shop and GREAT local comic shop is the people who run it).

Because this was also my first serious exposure to Warren Ellis, who frustrates me as a writer, because he consistently comes up with concepts that I couldn't come up with on my best days, and I love him for it.

Because I felt like Warren Ellis wrote this series just for me.  It feels personal, and heartfelt, and volatile, and completely over the top.

Because Spider Jerusalem is a hero.  But he's not armed with superpowers or kevlar costuming.  His calling is as a journalist.  His weapon is the written word.  His armour is the Truth.

(That truly is the meat of it right there.  He's a well-written character, who is defined by his writing.  A challenge for ANY writer to tackle.)

Because He's like Hunter S Thompson cast in Blade Runner (if Ridley Scott OD'd on Bill Hicks comedy specials, Ted Nugent hunting videos, and latex).

Because BOWEL DISRUPTORS - perfect for shooting elected officials!

Because both here in Paraguay, and in my homeland - the USofA - as well as other countries around the world, it's Election season.  And the choice of candidates - EVERYWHERE - are disappointing at best and disgusting at worst, and Spider is just the type of character to use as a mouthpiece for our venom towards governments that no longer are of us, for us, or by us.  They are behind us.  Not like support; more like prison shower...

Because the future dystopia he lives in, though full of science-fictiony goodness, is still very relatable to us.  It's a horror cartoon extrapolation on consumerism, unquestioned authority, social networking, politics, economics, urbanization, among others...

Because Monkeyburgers, Bucket'o'Seal Eyes, the Chair Leg of Truth, Powdered Baby, and Air Jesus anti-grav sandals.

Because Filthy Assistants!

Because Spider taught me that anger can be righteous, ignorance is an intolerable excuse, and blind acceptance is intellectually lazy.

Because Spider Jerusalem, Warren Ellis, and TRANSMETROPOLITAN, is my personal example at how powerful the comics medium, and the written word, can be when used to say something beyond itself.  Yeah, it's just a comic.  But for me, it's Truth.

...and because I want a pair of live shades...please?

The Rarebit Fiend - Next Week's Preview - R.A.Wonsowski

Panels 1 thru 5 should be done in the Japanese manga style; Panel 6 reverts to the usual for the artist.

Panel 1 - TRUTH-SAYING BASTARD SPIDEY (the anime version of intrepid journalist SPIDER JERUSALEM, like so:
   as you see here, and will now abreviate as TSBS) is winking at us through Warner Bros.-esque concentric circles, giving us the finger.

COPY (in neon script):  彼の真実はあなたの湿った脳を耕すを許可する - ここで真実言うスパイダーマンです！

CAPTION:  Allow his hard truth to penetrate your moist brain! - You can not resist him! - TRUTH-SAYING BASTARD SPIDEY!

Panel 2 - TSBS is sitting on a curb outside a voting center.  Anthropomorphic animals wait queued up outside to take their turn.  An armoured City cop is standing guard, his best truncheon in his hand, his riot shield has VOTE! written in red spray paint upon it.  TSBS is shooting heroin between his toes.

TSBS:  Kids!  Let the pretending that we can make a difference BEGIN!

Panel 3 - TSBS has a puppet that looks a lot like Ernie from Sesame Street in a pinstripe suit on his hand, his other hand holds two cigarettes, both lit.  He points at the puppet with the cigarettes.

OFF-PANEL, multiple speakers in unison:  Did! You! Know?!?

TSBS:  Like this homunculous of felt and foam, a politician can not speak without someone's hand up his ass!

COPY (in neon script):  あなたの政治委員会を知っている!

CAPTION:  Know your Super PAC Puppeteers!

Panel 4 - TSBS in a voting booth, curtain open, both cigarettes between his teeth as he smiles at us over his shoulder, pants around his ankles, is urinating on the voting machine.  He is twice as tall as anyone else in the panel.  Old ladies look on in horror and disgust, another City cop is coming in for the arrest, angry at the scene.

TSBS:  Let us say I am your government!  This voting machine is the people!  See how I quench your thirst for fairness and equality!

Panel 5 - TSBS is now out on the street.  He is now 20 feet tall.  His back is to us, and he is finishing stripping naked.  Fizz dots surround his head as the toe-heroin kicks in.  He is surrounded at his feet by buxom Japanese women dressed as schoolgirls, who all gaze up at him in either love, lust, or awe.

TSBS:  My civic duty increases the orgone energy!  My blood becomes soma, and women everywhere can taste my tangy musk!  Because DEMOCRACY!

Panel 6 - ("normal art") Through a open doorway, we see a naked SPIDER JERUSALEM, (gratefully, his back is still to us) standing in his open window on the balcony, fizz dots swimming around his head like in the previous panel.  He is pointing at his nether-regions, shouting down to the street.  Outside the doorway, we see his filthies, YELENA (on the left side of the door) and CHANNON (on the right).  YELENA is angrily gritting her teeth at CHANNON, who is responding to her defensively.

YELENA:  What the hell, Channon?  It was just Welsh rarebit, right?

CHANNON:  Yeah, but who knows what he keeps in that spice rack?

SPIDER:  GAZE UPON MY MAGNIFICENCE, PHILISTINES!